Well, this Palimpsest Project is proving hard work!
Mostly, I think, because my life feels a little complicated right now, and I always have trouble sharing things when they aren’t quite ‘cooked’. This might be because one of the best-worn pathways of my inner landscape is suppression. It doesn’ t exist if I don’t acknowledge it, right?
Er, wrong. It’s much harder to practice avoidance like this when you are in your body a lot – a body really doesn’t lie. For example, this week, I have been feeling very alone. So many of the people I love are not able to be with me (physically and emotionally): they are dead, or on another continent, or simply unwilling or unable, for whatever reason. Particularly poignant, since this week was the one-year anniversary of our move to Melbourne.
Tellingly, my chest, shoulders, and biceps have been incredibly stiff. A stiffness no amount of stretching could release. Because the holding was emotional. Eventually, I went for a massage. The therapist, a really good one, was tuned in to all the hear chakra stuff I had happening, and sensitive. As he stretched out between my shoulderblades, I felt a strong resistance to opening there. After the massage, I went home and cried a little. Finally, feeling it. Freeing it.
And of course, the main place I work my emotions out is on my yoga mat. I get on the mat, and I decide to be open to whatever comes up. Quite often, I cry. It’s such a relief!
I also play music when I practice. Not tinkly stuff, mind you. The stuff that brings me into my feelings. Right now, I am playing Blood Sugar Sex Magik, for my dear, dead friend, who is much with me these days. Especially Breaking the Girl. It was his favourite song.
I am also playing Maxwell Unlpugged. His cover of Kate Bush’s This Woman’s Work gets me just about every time – I should be crying but I just can’t let it show, should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking.…
I love the other cover on this album, of the Nine Inch Nails song, Closer, rendered almost unrecognizable by his musical arrangement. It’s a great song either way.
And, in order to fully feel, and then release, the strongest attachments, the ones that are really causing me to suffer, have been practicing a slightly bizarre form of metta, with my surya namaskara. A note, before we get to the (badly lit, taken at night) pictures: please don’t try this unless you have been working with your breath for a long time. It can be a little strenuous!
Inhale, may you be happy
Exhale, I release you
Hold breath out, hop back to chaturanga
Inhale, may you be healthy. Stay, exhale, I release you
Hold the exhale, into down dog. Inhale, may you be safe, exhale, I release you
Hold the exhale, hop into uttanasana
Inhale, may you know peace
Exhale, I release you
Moving from Stability: Understanding the Pelvis in Posture (Online workshop)
Myinsens
Curvy Yoga by Anna Guest-Jelley
Wow. Wow. Wow. What a beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you so much for sharing.
Nadine, this is incredibly powerful. Thank for sharing things you may have felt were “uncooked.” And thank you especially for sharing something as personal as your metta practice for your own happiness, health, safety and peace.
Here’s wishing you a wonderful day, and a wonderful week, with fewer tears and more smiles as you release what is no longer serving you.
Nadine, hope you’ll feel much better in the near future.Still you’re kind enough to share with us this practice. Thank you so much. You’re a very special person! May you be very happy!!!!
Hi Nadine
Yes, I understand how very tough the feeling of loneliness can be
I have felt similarly lately. Thank you for your honesty in sharing. A huge “virtual bear hug” from me to you, Nadine! SQUISH!
On listening to music during my yoga practice … I have never tried that at home. What music would you recommend?
Take care
HS
Good Morning Nadine,
It’s early, I am awake and this was the first thing I read today. Thank you. What you shared may not have felt ‘cooked’ (an idea that makes perfect sense to me) but it was incredibly clear and insightful. Our bodies certainly do not lie which is so awesome but also requires endless volumes of courage to stay present when challenging feelings are showing up. There have been times for me when I have become frustrated with feeling as though I can’t access and release the tough stuff on my own, on my mat. Recently I have realised the immeasurable value in having regular body work and how quickly I respond to sensitive hands-on work and the tactile permission this gives me to RELEASE. That also helps me drop into a sense of connection and my feelings of aloneness become less ferocious. I love the surya practice you shared.
Mostly I was wanting to give props for sharing your love of practice with music, serious music. I have a list that I am always adding to called ‘Kate Yumminess’ and this is the yoga rock-out playlist. Lately it’s been all about Alisha Keys, The Police and Nightmares on Wax whatever feels inspiring, uplifting and transformative. I use to play music alot when I was living and teaching O.S. but it has translated so well into my small town australia classes. I’m not sure why, I’m sure it’s my shyness about doing something different. Do you play music when you teach?
I’m sending love and letting you know that you are supported. I always like to hear that from a stranger.
kate xo