Making Space to Feel
I’ve been very gentle with myself this week.
Soft.
Quiet.
Slow.
I have spent a lot of time in my bed. In my pyjamas, with my poupee.
I’ve been listening to Angus & Julia Stone, and Beth Orton. And Fiona Apple. Lots of Fiona.
And I’ve been sleeping a lot.
I’m not generally very good at going easy on myself. So this is new for me. I even went home early from a friend’s birthday party because that was what my body wanted. One day, I chose to sleep instead of do yoga. That is so unusual for me that when I told Leigh-Ann about it, her jaw dropped.
And (this i s a biggie) I’ve been making space for my feelings. This is also not something I am very good at. I am much better at keeping busy and Getting Things Done. But wow, it really helps! Not the getting things done bit, the feeling bit.
Can I tell you a story? You know how I love stories.
Once morning this week, as I was waking up, I dreamt that my erstwhile man friend was in the bed with me, and I felt so comforted. He was hugging me, and I could feel the warmth of his chest (overshare: he has a GREAT chest, the kind that is made for warm bear hugs). And I said ‘I love you.’
Well, that jolted me wide awake. Because, you see, I have become very cautious with these words of power and I had never actually said them to him. And my first reaction was:
I can’t say that, I can’t feel that. We aren’t together anymore!
So I pushed the longing, and the missing, and the sadness down into a hard, black, ominously explosive ball just under my heart.
Then I thought, hang on.
What if I allow myself to feel these things? What if I just acknowledge them?
What would happen?
So I opened my body to the feelings. And the strangest thing happened.
They didn’t expand to fill all of me and overwhelm me, which was what I had been afraid of. Rather, the intensity of the feelings diluted because they had more space.
And I felt lighter. It was the emotional equivalent of relaxing my neck muscles in a yoga pose. Everything just felt easier.
It is such a relief. I think this is a way for me to be in the flow of life even when it isn’t, you know, quite the way I want it to be.
Have you ever done this? What happened when you did?
This post made me heave a big SIGH…
It’s the not same situation as yours, but I am currently in a situation where I am trying to hold myself in some fairly uncomfortable feelings. I’m doing a lot of writing through those feelings, and it’s painful, but I can see that doing so will lead to me to better understanding of myself and where I need to go.
I’ve also discovered that facing those feelings head on … well, they’re nowhere near as scary as I had feared!
And that it was those feelings, rather than the situation I’m in, that frightened me the most.
Next stop: giving myself permission to not act on those feelings until I am ready to do so.
Sending you virtual hugs across the Tasman!
oh welcome to my life!!!!
lol
i did a crazy intense “learn to really dive into your feelings” workshop several years ago and became completely hooked. i love making space for my feelings now. i welcome moodiness!
that lightness is amazing, isn’t it?
Oh you gals! I knew there was a reason I was hooked on your blogs. Anne-Marie: it’s amazing how much power there is in waiting to act on your feelings, isn’t it? And Andrea dear, yes! The lightness is A.Maze.Ing! I like your life. Maybe I’ll stay. Especially if your paper dolls keep me company xx
Nadine – thank you for visiting my blog and for your lovely your comments. It’s serendipitious, and so are the thoughts in your recent posts, as I’d been meaning to comment as well (have been sort of AWOL from the blog world over the past few weeks though).
Must be a time for pondering and acknowledging feelings.
I notice that I am not the only one to have felt “lighter” of late. 
Congratulations on your article as well!
Have you read Stephen Cope’s “Yoga and the Quest for the True Self”? There is this bit in it where he talks about a year in his life where his yoga practice was an afternoon nap every day. Reading that was probably the biggest life lesson I ever learned.
Inca Maia, yay for finding each other and yay for lightness!
And Miss Rachel? Yes, I’ve read it (in fact I lugged it across the ocean with me, bless) and that passage stuck in my mind too. But I usually HAVE to do asana or my day involves an achy body, a fuzzy mind and an oof-kilter mood. You could probably call it addiction, but I choose to call it (ahem) a healthy habit…
Yes, yes, yes, I have done this. It’s terrifying, but you are so right that once you get past the knee jerk fear reaction, that things just get easier. Whether it’s dealing with feelings or upsets in the day or with kids or work or anything. Being able to just accept that this is what it is and let it move through me just makes it easier. Like swimming with the current instead of against it. Everything goes from being a constant battle to stay in control to a lovely swim where you can enjoy the feel of the water (even if there are some rocks) and the sun on your face (even if there are some clouds too.)
I love your taking it easy on yourself process and how faithfully you are listening to whatever it is you need, even if it might change. <3
Thanks Nadine, you’re so brave and honest. I’m really going to give this a go.. I’m a Master at the Art of Feeling Avoidance/Resistance/Denial/U-Name-It!(if they gave out medals for this I’d have the Gold)…but I’ve paid the price over the years, in so many ways.
My yoga practice helps me shift unresolved feelings in quite miraculous ways, and going for a walk in the great outdoors is helpful when I don’t know how do deal with whatever I am going through – but simply FEELING my emotions right here right NOW? – now that is something I seldom do!
THANKS and hugs xx
Yes, I’ve been there, likely in similar circumstances, but also in different circumstances.
I let myself feel my feelings … to a point. It feels like that–a point, a wall, a line, and if I go beyond it, I believe I will disintegrate. That I will never pull myself together again.
It’s rare that I let myself go beyond, and usually when I do, I have the same experience you describe: release, relief and reduction.
This is exactly how venting works for me when I’m angry: I vent until the venting’s done, then I feel better and forget about it. I’m OK with allowing myself to fully feel anger. But not love, or sorrow, or fear. If I could, I could get beyond the feelings and relax, just like what happens with anger.
Abby, so inspiring, I love your imagery!
Kathleen, I hear ya! And it’s amazing the lengths I have gone to to NOT feel, eh? Weird food stuff, weird exercise stuff, high-drama life. Spending. And it doesn’t really work. This accepting feelings thing? It’s been like developing a superpower. Awe. Some!
And Lynn, hi!
It’s so interesting that you say you feel most free to express your anger: that’s one of the emotions I really battle with. I have a deep-rooted nice-girl complex. As in: nice girls don’t get angry. I’m working on it, but boy oh boy have I had many a passive aggressive moment.
Oh yes!
I am right here with you, my friend.
It’s taken months of excruciating struggle for me to actually STOP and sit with my sadness. And ignore the instinct to resist and protect from shame.
Because there’s really “no reason” for me to feel sad. Right?
Well, once I get go of the struggle I began to see that my reasons for feeling sad were largely about the struggle. I started to see that it was time to let go…
Although it can feel like the most intense loneliness, all of the lovely comments above are proof that we are not alone in our journeys.
PS I found this a wonderful resource, it may speak to you too. http://jenlemen.com/blog/?p=246
Oh, Kat
That’s a lovely post from Jen, thanks for sharing.
How amazing that you found most of your suffering was about the struggle! That mirrors my experience quite closely. You know, though, I’m not lonely here in the Void where all my issues used to be. It’s just…dark. And quiet. Kinda hibernatey (yes, I know that word doesn’t exisit, but I think it should)
Hearts and hugs!