Since I got my new emotional superpowers, some seriously weird stuff has been happening.
As if it weren’t weird enough that I can now (well, mostly) feel my feelings without ducking for cover, even when they are Big and Scary, I had a massage the other day.
No, that’s not the weird bit.
It was actually quite nice. Massages are.
What was weird was how different my body was to a month ago, when I last saw my (fabulous) massage therapist. I tend to hold tension in predictable patterns. In my calves, my iliotibial bands, my quadriceps muscles, my psoas muscles (which are usually so tight that my therapist breaks a sweat trying to release them. I kid you not) and in my biceps and pectorals. If you have not idea what I am on about, bear with me, the muscle names aren’t central to the story.
Anyhoooo. I am usually tense in the belly of my muscles. Right in the middle. But this time, every single muscle was loose in the belly, and the only tension was at the point where muscle inserts to bone. This is weird. Weirder still, my psoas muscles? Not tense at all. This, friends, is nothing short of downright freaky.
My massage therapist got more and more puzzled through the session, and eventually asked me what I had been doing differently.
Well, I said, I have been writing a lot more.
Pause.
And I’ve been doing a lot of work on releasing my old patterns.
It’s almost like there’s nowhere else for the tension to go now. It’s retreated to the very ends of my muscles. Now the only way is out!
So there’s that.
Then there’s the whole not-needing-as-much-yoga thing. I can’t tell you how weird that is. I am still practising every day (well, except for that one day when I had a nap) but just because I can, and because I enjoy it. Not because I need to in order to be a normal human being, which was the previous status quo. Odd.
And then there’s the Void.
Yup. A big ole empty nothingness where all my hangups, insecurities, self-delusions and general crap around relationships used to be. These things used to form the basis of my romantic relationships and now that they are gone, I feel kind of bereft.
In their place? Nothing. You see, it transpires that I have absolutely no idea what I really want from a relationship. Nor do I really think that if I figured it out, I could find it. Probably because I don’t know what I am looking for.
I mean, obviously I know some stuff: I’d like a man who is kind, financially responsible, has a nice normal relationship with his mother. That kind of thing. But the energy and flow and balance of the relationship? Never given it any thought. Till now.
So here’s the weirdest bit of this story: I feel like I need to stay here in the Void, in the emptiness, and really get to know it. Because if I try to move out too fast, I won’t have seen all there is to see.
I still won’t know what I want.
It’s part of the process. To be comfortable being empty, for (gasp) an undefined time. To be willing to wait until I know what the right questions are.
Hello, Void. Let’s be friends.
Do you have any Void-like friends? Have they helped you?
Moving from Stability: Understanding the Pelvis in Posture (Online workshop)
Light Up Your Life
Oh what a nice post! It is funny how much our bodies respond to our emotions. I had no idea how closely connected they were until a few years ago when I finally started to confront my anxiety problem.
When I read about your void, I immediately thought of rock climbing. I think the void is one of my favorite parts. That spot where you have nothing but air and space on all sides. When the fear is gone and the past and future are missing, and all that is left is the void. It is amazing.
This was one of those days: http://colocalders.com/?p=1411
Hey Kate!
I loved reading your post! It’s a perfect experience of Now. And of trust. Lots of climbers talk about this, non? Oh, and that’s a Frikking Big Rock. Good onya.
It’s getting a bit weird in my void now. Think I might trot off and write some more about it…
Nadine, you sound like you’re in a very powerful and creative space – having cleared out so much to create this void, this emptiness – you’re poised to fill it with WHATever you choose! Awesome!!
We’re in the process of a move, we’ve just sold our property and are moving into a rental next week – then we’ll start to look for some land to build on…its all very exciting but at the same time a little scary because at the moment it is all unknown – the where, the what, the how! But I am so inspired by your post…and intend to allow the void – the unknown – ahead of us to be an opportunity to clear out, clarify, and create!
And the best thing about moving, packing, sorting is the opportunity to clear out sooo much stuff which has accumulated – hopefully I can do this not only materially, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
xox
Kathleen, that is TOTALLY what the Void is! A creative space. Kind of scary, that. Ok, pretty scary. My fear and I have had to have some pretty heavy negotiations around this very thing. My fear thinks I am a nincompoop who shouldn’t be allowed to create. Also, maybe we could just stay in the Void forever. My fear would like that.
Thank you, lovely Heather! I will be very interested to hear how your process goes!
I quite like the Void, actually. I’m just so unaccustomed to sitting in it. It’s weird. The sitting, I mean.
And Svasti, tell me more about Shunyata? Is it like the Kabbalistic TzimTzum (divine contraction) that comes prior to creation of something new?
Sounds like a little experience of Shunyata and just being cool with the void is definitely the right thing to do. By not freaking out and just being okay with where you’re at, eventually Shunyata gives way to movement and activity again. But the void? It’s not as empty as it seems. In fact it is rich with information, but just in a different form. Enjoy!
Wow! Nadine! Powerful, strong and confident! This was a great post. I so get this and the last time I was here, I covered it up. I ran. It’s great that you are staying, and willing to continue to stay to explore. Right now, I’m working through some of these past issues. My new *consistent* meditation practice has brought some things up for me that’s been similar. Blessings to you!