…is: what if everything falls apart, and it never comes back together?
Or, possibly worse, what if it does come back together, but it looks completely different?
It’s been getting noisy in my Void this week. As some of the rather wise gals who commented on my last post pointed out, the Void is a creative space. It’s an emptying of the old so that new things can come in.
Which makes it, by definition, temporary.
You’d think it was enough to GET to a place where all of my old beliefs, hang-ups etc have come unstuck. The thought of leaving this place? Isn’t really working for my fear right now. It wants me to stay in the Void. It is very worried about what I may create with all this possibility I now have.
In fact, I have been having long conversations with my fear, a la Havi Brooks.
Here’s a little excerpt of what my fear has had to say for itself lately.
ME: What if what I want (a happy relationship) is possible?
FEAR: Doom! Doom! Doom!
Of course it’s not possible. You pick bad men. You failed at your first marriage, of COURSE it’s not possible. Stupid question. Let’s just stay here, single and happy. If you get bored, you can go find an unsuitable man for a bit. Men find you attractive you know. Until they get to know you.
Then, they run. So there’s obviously something wrong with you, deep down.
You are too intense. You ask too much of them. And when you bend over backwards to accommodate them, they don’t like that either. You can’t win.
ME: But what if it were? Just imagine, like.
FEAR: Nope, can’t hear you la-la-laaaaaaaaaa.
It WOULD HURT TOO MUCH IF IT ENDED. It’s not possible to go there again.
Anyway, didn’t I mention that you are a loser who failed at her first marriage?
M: Ok, let’s just talk about that first marriage a bit. Are you afraid I haven’t learnt anything from it?
F: Worse. I am afraid that you have, but that you are still going to make mistakes (look at who you’ve dated since it ended) and get hurt.
M: I hear you. I don’t like getting hurt. It sucks. I don’t really want to take a risk again unless I am pretty sure. How would you feel if we were pretty sure? What if it were actually easy to have this?
F: Well, I can see how it would be easy to have the friendship part. Because you could still protect yourself, not get too close to the guy. And I GUESS I can see how you could find someone. You don’t battle with that part.
But really, you don’t pick the right men. So no, how could it be easy?
It won’t be easy.
I’m going away to look at knitting patterns on Ravelry now. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Ok, I’m back. I saw some cool knitting. But I’ve still got stuff to say.
So, what if it was easy.
It would be a relief. I could relax a little, not have to look out for you so much. You make me very tired, always messing up and then I have to hold you together, you know.
M: How would that feel?
F: If it was easy and I could relax?
Well, you wouldn’t need me anymore. And then what? What if I went away, and then things went wrong, and there was nobody to pick up the pieces for you?
AHA! Breakthrough moment.
Who am I, without the fear and neuroses?
Am I still me? How would I cope with life without the fear to hold me back?
And this, friends, is what has made getting unstuck most sucky. I have to give up my attachment to certain bits of me that just don’t serve me anymore.
As I was thinking about this, I wandered over to Andrea’s blog and read:
Letting go is beautiful and being willing to let it fall apart is not about giving up.
it’s just that we are not open to receive when we are grasping onto something. literally. imagine you are holding a coin in your hand. your hand is closed. you have to open your hand in order to receive more or even to use the coin or look at it. the only time we would hold on is if we’re afraid that there isn’t more coming.
we have to be willing to let go of the thing we want most.
She put it perfectly.
The Void is only a part of composing a happy life. Some of us battle terribly to get here, but once we are here, we have to keep moving.
Staying in the Void for too long is just another way of staying stuck. So is moving out too fast.
The only way is through, as Christine put it the other day. (Also, she gave me a blog award! So awesome!)
Gotta be in the Void when change is a-comin. Gotta move out when it’s time.
It’s all about timing and rhythm. And having a good, or at least speaking, relationship with the voices in your head that don’t want you to change or grow.
What do your voices say? Do you believe them, or do you question them?