…is: what if everything falls apart, and it never comes back together?
Or, possibly worse, what if it does come back together, but it looks completely different?
It’s been getting noisy in my Void this week. As some of the rather wise gals who commented on my last post pointed out, the Void is a creative space. It’s an emptying of the old so that new things can come in.
Which makes it, by definition, temporary.
You’d think it was enough to GET to a place where all of my old beliefs, hang-ups etc have come unstuck. The thought of leaving this place? Isn’t really working for my fear right now. It wants me to stay in the Void. It is very worried about what I may create with all this possibility I now have.
In fact, I have been having long conversations with my fear, a la Havi Brooks.
Here’s a little excerpt of what my fear has had to say for itself lately.
ME: What if what I want (a happy relationship) is possible?
FEAR: Doom! Doom! Doom!
Possible?
Of course it’s not possible. You pick bad men. You failed at your first marriage, of COURSE it’s not possible. Stupid question. Let’s just stay here, single and happy. If you get bored, you can go find an unsuitable man for a bit. Men find you attractive you know. Until they get to know you.
Then, they run. So there’s obviously something wrong with you, deep down.
You are too intense. You ask too much of them. And when you bend over backwards to accommodate them, they don’t like that either. You can’t win.
ME: But what if it were? Just imagine, like.
FEAR: Nope, can’t hear you la-la-laaaaaaaaaa.
It WOULD HURT TOO MUCH IF IT ENDED. It’s not possible to go there again.
Anyway, didn’t I mention that you are a loser who failed at her first marriage?
M: Ok, let’s just talk about that first marriage a bit. Are you afraid I haven’t learnt anything from it?
F: Worse. I am afraid that you have, but that you are still going to make mistakes (look at who you’ve dated since it ended) and get hurt.
M: I hear you. I don’t like getting hurt. It sucks. I don’t really want to take a risk again unless I am pretty sure. How would you feel if we were pretty sure? What if it were actually easy to have this?
F: Well, I can see how it would be easy to have the friendship part. Because you could still protect yourself, not get too close to the guy. And I GUESS I can see how you could find someone. You don’t battle with that part.
But really, you don’t pick the right men. So no, how could it be easy?
It won’t be easy.
I’m going away to look at knitting patterns on Ravelry now. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
:::
Ok, I’m back. I saw some cool knitting. But I’ve still got stuff to say.
So, what if it was easy.
It would be a relief. I could relax a little, not have to look out for you so much. You make me very tired, always messing up and then I have to hold you together, you know.
M: How would that feel?
F: If it was easy and I could relax?
Well, you wouldn’t need me anymore. And then what? What if I went away, and then things went wrong, and there was nobody to pick up the pieces for you?
AHA! Breakthrough moment.
Who am I, without the fear and neuroses?
Am I still me? How would I cope with life without the fear to hold me back?
And this, friends, is what has made getting unstuck most sucky. I have to give up my attachment to certain bits of me that just don’t serve me anymore.
As I was thinking about this, I wandered over to Andrea’s blog and read:
Letting go is beautiful and being willing to let it fall apart is not about giving up.
it’s just that we are not open to receive when we are grasping onto something. literally. imagine you are holding a coin in your hand. your hand is closed. you have to open your hand in order to receive more or even to use the coin or look at it. the only time we would hold on is if we’re afraid that there isn’t more coming.
we have to be willing to let go of the thing we want most.
She put it perfectly.
The Void is only a part of composing a happy life. Some of us battle terribly to get here, but once we are here, we have to keep moving.
Staying in the Void for too long is just another way of staying stuck. So is moving out too fast.
The only way is through, as Christine put it the other day. (Also, she gave me a blog award! So awesome!)
Gotta be in the Void when change is a-comin. Gotta move out when it’s time.
It’s all about timing and rhythm. And having a good, or at least speaking, relationship with the voices in your head that don’t want you to change or grow.
What do your voices say? Do you believe them, or do you question them?
Moving from Stability: Understanding the Pelvis in Posture (Online workshop)
Light Up Your Life
You know, Nadine, I think leaving a marriage when it simply isn’t working and isn’t meeting the needs that a marriage and partnership should and must provide, is vital and probably one of the most courageous things one can do. I got to a point in my marriage a few years ago where I was downright miserable but I couldn’t even contemplate leaving, simply because the consequences were too unbearably awful to consider. And then I realised that I had to give myself that option if it got to a point where the cons of staying outweighed the pros…because until I felt it was my CHOICE to stay I felt trapped, alone and stifled. As soon as I told myself that if things got so horrible I was allowed to leave, it felt like a door had opened and let in some light and I felt better about everything! I chose to stay. And every day I allow myself that choice. It keeps me sane!
I often wonder if I am compromising by staying. (and I have compromised a lot). I am married to a very strong and opinionated man. (he is also a very loyal and loving man). What my marriage is teaching me is to stand up for myself, to be who I am and to trust that it is safe to do that.
I often envy other relationships because it seems that there are a lot of ‘happier’ relationships out there – other people seem to have made better choices than I have. But all in all, I try to focus on what works.
Oh gosh. I’ve blabbered on a lot!
Hugs
Kathleen,
You can NEVER tell what’s going on in someone else’s marriage. It’s a black box. People probably look at yours and feel as you do about others’!
But how awesome that you made choices instead of feeling yourself a victim of your life!
You rock!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since you posted… one thing that has made a big impact on how I view life is the realisation that our entire lives are ‘relationship’, and all the people in it are part of the ‘package’..we get different things from different people, and our vast and various needs can be met by umpteen different significant others, from our family, to our friends, to the person who delivers the mail and the waiter at our favourite coffee shop.
This made a huge difference to the way I viewed my romantic relationship.. we put sooo much onto one person, so many expectations, so many needs, so many hopes. Yet when we look at our WHOLE lives, the big picture, we take the pressure off the ONE, allowing him to be ok just to be a loving and lovable other, nothing more.
My other ‘great lesson’ was when I read a quote that was something like ‘marriage/relationship is not about happiness, but about personal growth’ ..OUCH! So now I view all the challenges in my marriage as opportunities for learning, for lessons in unconditional love, surrender, and self reflection!! Any happiness that comes along is a bonus (and it does, thankfully)!
xoxox
And that is probably why your marriage works! Elizabeth Gilbert touched on this a bit in ‘Committed’. Basically the idea that with the rise of marrying for love, rather than expediency, survival, political gain or other reasons, we have come to expect all of our needs to be met by our mate, rather than spreading them through our community.
I thought about that a lot after the end of my marriage, and I came to the conclusion that although I was getting my friendship and social needs met outside, I still needed some needs to be met within the marriage (they weren’t). Also, he didn’t work for the last two years and that was a dealbreaker. Lessons learnt about what I will and won’t accept!
Wow, the wisdom. I love hearing your stories.
And yes, I am totally fine to chat to my fear, and maybe invite it out of the closet for a cup of tea. This is a relief. Being conscious, sucky as it sometimes is, is so much better than just having no idea what’s going on for me.
Kathleen, thank you for the book reccomendation, I will add it to my rapidly mounting reading list!
And I am really loving the theme of choose the person not the package. I have a feeling I’m going to be mullling over that quite a bit: it applies to business and friendships just as much as romance. Not just any people, the right people.
Like you lot, basically.
This is such a gorgeous post, Nadine, and one that so many of us can relate to in a very visceral way. I won’t reiterate what everyone else has so beautifully said, I just wanted to extend my love to you, and to your fear, as well as my complete faith that you are wise beyond words and will know exactly the right time to emerge from the Void.
xoxo,
Nona
in relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, there is no certainty, no being sure about anything. a relationship is not a fixed thing. I was married for 20 years, 20 years! then came the big step into the abyss, my home gone, my business gone, no idea what I was going to do or how I would survive. It was my choice to leave. All I knew was I had to take this step, blind and stumbling and that it would be hard, very hard. This was such a huge learning time with many, many mistakes made along the way. I made very poor choices of the company I kept and the lifestyle I led, I didn’t trust myself let alone anyone else. So I got very familiar with my void and stayed there for a long, long time. It was safe there, everything on my own terms, men were fine for sex, but that was all because I believed that if they got to see the real me they wouldn’t be so keen any more. In my marriage my husband was constantly critical of me and if you hear it enough you believe. Why is it always so much easier to believe the worst about about yourself rather than the good stuff ?
I never believed I’d have a full relationship again and told myself I was fine with that. Then out of the blue came this guy, and I liked him. Alot. No idea why, he was diffferent to me in just about every way possible. I ended it twice, but he kept coming back. After 6 years in my void I took another jump into another abyss of uncertainty and we moved in together.
3 years later still together. I still have fears, still have doubts and it’s OK. I’m with a man now who seems to want to be with me just for, well, me! Incredible! took me along time to believe it! Who knows how long we’ll be together? Maybe a long time, maybe not. Life is constantly riding the flux and flow, you’ve got to have faith in yourself, because relationship or no relationship you’ve always got yourself. And that’s the most important realtionship of all.
Oh definitely, and that is why people are so scared to go there. But then it’s good to go there more often than not.
I’ve had a bit of a colourful and dark past but I remember when I got together with Dan, he was a little jaded from a past relationship as well but what got us through was to have no expectations of how things should be, what they should look like or even what we should say. No expectations was our catch phrase when either of us freaked out. It really can be that simple and then with this simplicity, the magic is not suffocated.
I like what Linda said too, we are all responsible for ourselves basically. I know from my own experience, once I clued into this concept, that is was up to me to make *me* happy, things got a whole lot easier and so did my relationships with everyone around me.
I think letting go of what you want most and having NO EXPECTATIONS makes a real difference. This does not mean you stop dreaming though
Nadine,
I echo Rachel’s sentiments . . . our stories are very similar. While I now am happily married, it took many years of wrong relationships and trying too hard, only to realize I just needed to let go. The harder we try, the deeper the resistance. Void or no void, do what makes you happy! The “voice” in the head is my worry most of the time too. Let it go. I love the statement, “Don’t believe everything you think.” It is so true and YOU are so much more than those thoughts. This you KNOW, though, huh? Peace, love and light across the miles to you!
Wow..this is an powerful post which has generated some fascinating comments! ..I think most of us grow up believing in Happily Ever After. And we wait for that moment, that meeting, that person – after which we will be forever happy. We forget that happiness is up to us and we can be Happy Right Now, no matter what. Because even when we find our Mr Happily Ever After, our happiness is still 100% our responsilibity. 100%. And I think when we get that, then the rest falls into place. It doesn’t necessarily make the relationship easier (I struggle daily with blame and resentment!!) but it makes ‘things’ easier to forgive.
I can highly recommend Hand Wash Cold by Karen Maezen Miller.. her chapter on marriage and relationships is probably the most honest and powerful I have read in ages.
xoxox
powerFULL
I heard a voice during meditation once…not my voice, an asexual voice, that was loud and clear as a bell. It told me: “you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness, they are responsible for their own happiness. no one is responsible for your happiness, you are responsible for your own happiness.”
sometimes the simplest ephiphanies are the most profound.
of course you will make the same mistakes, over and over again. everyone does until we “wake up.” those are samskaras. but the trick is, through our inner work, being able to create new patterns to replace the old, to know in our bones why we allow the tail to wag the dog.
simple but not easy.
metta.
He he he, I missed out the last sentence. It was meant to read “I then got scared again about how easy it was, but that’s another story”. I’m all thumbs this morning….
This post really resonated with me. thank you.
I think I’ve been in the void for too long. listening to the fear, wallowing in my own doubt.
time to climb out!
Hi Liv!
Thank you so much for stopping by! I think it’s pretty damn awesome that you have decided to negotiate with your fear a little. I can’t say mine is gone; it probably never will be. But if I can understand what is really going on for me, then I feel the possibility of movement and change.
Happy wagon-jumping!
Hi Nadine,
What a lovely, honest post. I have had this conversation with myself many times too. Many people could not understand my sense of failure at my broken engagement. But for an achiever like me, even a broken heart is attributed to being “my fault”.
So I have thought a lot about this. The one thing that I think I have figured out is that for a long time I wanted to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship was more important to me than who I was in that relationship with. I was terrified of being alone (still am) and terrified of being abandoned (still am). I would rather stay where I was, and even dream for marriage, when really deep down inside I knew it wasnt right.
Giving something up that you want and then actually getting it? This is a concept I havent understood. Many people have said it to me but I have never got it. Until now. I realise that the giving up doesn’t create the “getting it moment”. But what it does do is that it creates the space for you to actually choose something that eventually takes you to where you want to be. In my case I realised I needed to choose a person, an actual person, rather than a relationship. To face that the relationship is only the picnic basket, but its the person thats the good picnic stuff inside. I was taking picnic hampers filled with rotten food just because it looked all romantic on the outside. Sometimes the food isn’t rotten – but it just doesn’t suit your taste. A lactose intolrence if you will.
So now I am considering whether my current picnic basket has the right ingredients in for me. A little champagne, some sweet strawberries, a little seed bread for roughage. Yes that sounds right. Realising this has been an epiphany for me. So much so that I don’t want to define what I am in as a relationship but only by the person I am in it with.
Funnily enough men, for all their foibles, get this quicker than us. They seem to ask themselves whether they like the girl not the relationship. Its a simple question but one I have been missing for 18 years of dating (and an almost marriage)!
So I am giving up my desire for a relationship. To be labelled and safe behind that comfortable word. And now I am trying to discover the person I love.
Love Jo xx
Kazam! You girls are amazing!
Rachel, I like to tell (and hear) the same stories over and over too! And I like your one about HImself particularly well.
Jo, you are incredible. Remind me why you don’t have a blog? Because the way you have put this? Is EXACTLY what I am trying to get at. It’s about the person. not the package. And we over achievers don’t do well with the package not looking the way we think it should.
I have told this story before, but I will tell it again because (a) it’s helpful and (b) I like to tell the same stories over and over again like the roadie in Wayne’s World 2.
After the Ex I had this same conversation with fear every day. I dated a string of unsuitable men. Very unsuitable. It all came to a head in a rather alarming way which I am not going to share on the interwebz. And I swore off men for life.
I stopped caring. I stopping looking. I even stopped feeling that pang of jealousy at smug couples in Starbucks.
And then, as if from nowhere, Himself walked into my life. And it was so easy…. because when it’s meant to be it always is.
Of course I then got scared