You know how much I like a good story, right?
But not all stories are the good kind. Some just aren’t true. And they get in the way; stop things from being easy.
I really learnt this lesson from my man-friend-who-is-no-longer. No, I didn’t vapourise him or anything, we just aren’t seeing each other any more.
Here’s what happened. I liked him. You know, A Lot. And, because I am open and have spent a lot of time and energy to get this way, I openly told him I liked him. His reaction? Because his story about himself is that he is unattractive and unworthy, and my story about him was so totally different, he decided I must be either
- Slightly stupid
- A liar
- Both
And the saddest thing? He told me all of this. So he is clear enough to reason it out, but he can’t possibly entertain the idea that the stories in his head, about who he is and what he deserves, might be wrong. Or at least, inaccurate. Or only partially true.
So what resulted was…wait for it, jargon coming…cognitive dissonance. Of the worst, head-aching, I-can’t-deal-with-these-two-realities sort. And that dissonance is one of the main reasons we are not seeing each other any more.
What did I learn?
Well, I learned that those stories in people’s heads are DEEPLY entrenched.
And that not everyone is able to see past their stories. Or willing. I also learned that insisting that your point of view may have validity is completely useless in these situations, and possibly even counter-productive.
I got to apply this new knowledge the other day, when I had a student come up to me after her second yoga class and tell me she probably wouldn’t be coming back because she thought she was just too crap at yoga.
Heartbreaking.
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I have these injuries, and I can’t do everything, and I keep needing to rest, and you keep having to give me other poses to do.’
And this is what I said:
‘I understand that you feel you battle with yoga – most of us feel very stupid in the beginning. You may not have noticed, but a lot of people in the room were doing a modified practice. That’s how I teach. And I totally understand if you don’t believe me, but you did totally fine! Also, yoga is not about looking a certain way. It’s about FEELING a certain way. But I do understand if you decide it’s not for you.’
She had that I-don’t-believe-you-for-a-second look on her face. I recognised it from my man-friend. But I hadn’t tried to convince her to see my point of view. I just had my say and then gave her choice. It’s all we can ever do, you know.
I didn’t think I’d ever see her again.
But she came back! Twice in the last week actually!
She was willing to consider that maybe her story wasn’t the WHOLE story.
Progress.
What if the stories we tell ourselves, about how we don’t deserve stuff, and how we are bad people, and how we can’t ‘do’ relationships, and all those other ones, you know the ones I mean, what if they just weren’t true?
What if what you think you know about yourself isn’t the whole story?
Would you be willing to consider that?
Would you be willing to investigate, and find people to mirror other, different stories back to you? More positive ones, perhaps?
Moving from Stability: Understanding the Pelvis in Posture (Online workshop)
Myinsens
Curvy Yoga by Anna Guest-Jelley
@LaGitane: Bring on the unstucking! It’s so awesome that there are so many colours of crayon to choose from.
@Abby: I know just what you mean! My Mr. Fear was convinced that if I was wrong, I would be screwed, but as it turns out, when I started seeing that my story was…incomplete, it was a huge relief. Can’t always rely on the monsters in the closet for good information…
“not everyone is able to see past their stories.”
How so so so VERY true!! A beautiful, inspiring post, but that part hit home. It took me years to finally reach that point, where I could say that hey, maybe my story isn’t all there is to me.
It’s amazing how freeing being able to admit you are wrong about some very personal things can be. Instead of feeling embarassed I was wrong, I was glad to BE wrong – because it meant I was Right, just as I am. <3
Your description of cognitive dissonance reminded me of this quote, one of my favorites:
"The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Handle With Care", Esquire Magazine (March 1936).
It takes courage too, though. <3
What a wonderful post Nadine, both heartbreaking and inspirational at the same time. My heart aches for the man stuck in his his story and soars for the woman who just might re-write hers. I am currently working with near- linguistic programing, which re-writes our stories on a physical and energetic level as well as intellectual an emotional… More un-sticking. Blessings to you, warrior woman!
I recently got a gigantic compliment from somebody whose opinions I value highly…which is nice, but scary, in a way–in the sense that, if I really take it in, really believe that it’s true, it means I have far less excuse to mope around all day…
@Dr Jay: Ooh, interesting!
So in your situation, it’s more a case of: what if the story IS true? You are, basically, in my man-friend’s shoes right now. Good luck with the dissonance…
To all of you <3 <3 <3
Often, the comments on my posts get me thinking in all sorts of VERY interesting directions. Thank you!
@Svasti: I hear ya. It probably helps to have been on both sides of that experience, because that's where empathy is. And vthe thing with knowing the stories aren't true but not being able to get ridof them completely? I had just that come up for me yesterday. I was like, oh, you old patterns? Again? Really? But there they were. It's a process, I think. Like retelling a fairy tale in a slughtly different version each time.
@Michelle: Thank you so much. I agree: we can't reprogram people. We can just offer them tools to do that for themselves. And the Unstuck work? Kerry and I are both really excited about that too. Perhaps one day we will all be in the same physical space to Unstick together…
@Leonie: I really love what you said here: all we are is the sum of our internal stories. So ideally, we want to pick those stories wisely. I have been astounded at what happens when people their power back, like I did with this student. She's still coming, and now she isn't telling me after every class how bad she thinks she is. Amazing!
@Christine: You are a great example of how being in conscious relationship with our stuff can start to re-tell the story. Also, I am never going to get enough of your cat photos. But that's off-topic!
@Kathleen: so wise, the internal narrative is the only one that's really important. One of the greatest lessons for me over the last year has been this. What other people think of me? Not my business. And until this little aha! moment, I was always at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with these student situations too…
@Jill: First, thank you for stopping by and for commenting. How true this is. I sing when I am happy. Quite badly, I am sure. Nobody who loves me has ever minded, because they want to see me happy. But this man friend? Told me I was tone deaf. Interesting, isn't it, how those critical things are coming from other people's stuff. Not reality. Basically, from THEIR stories. That said, when it's someone you admire, it's really hard not to take it on. It's pretty awesome that you recognise that the story is there to begin with…
And I agree: care and compassion in every word. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If the answer isn't yes to ALL THREE, it probably doesn't need to be said.
It’s hardest when your story is ingrained by one person you truly admire and love. I was one of those kids that was always singing out loud everywhere. Until my gramma told that I’m tone deaf. Haven’t sung since around others. And I stop myself when I’m singing alone. And it doesnt’ matter if people catch me singing and tell me I have a nice voice. I don’t believe them – - because one person I loved and respected told me otherwise at it became my “story”. Your post is a good lesson that we need to watch how we phrase our criticism and moresoe our “advice” because you never know the extent to which it will influence another.
I often wish I could ‘meet myself’, as a complete stranger – to get an idea of how I come across?! I have so many stories in my head about what people ‘are thinking’…! But what I’m slowly learning is that it only really matters what I am thinking about me, because the stories in MY head are the ones that rule my life…!
I love the way you handled your student’s fears…I’ve had a few who felt that way and I didn’t quite know how to explain to them that it was OK to start exactly where they were. And where they were was absolutely fine anyway!
Will handle the next one better! THANKS x
Working so consciously now with Complex PTSD has completely changed my relationship to my stories.
The main story I tell myself is that my emotional flashbacks are my present life. Like the fear I am feeling is real RIGHT NOW.
But it’s not. My life right now is beautiful and safe. And that is not a story.
So now, because I am able to see what has been happening all these years, I am able to sit WITH the panic and the fear and the anxiety and ask it where it is from and what it needed that it did not get and why it is showing up at this moment.
I needed a change in my narrative perspective.
It doesn’t make the flashbacks go away. There will likely always be new triggers waiting for me around the next corner, BUT there is no longer any need to allow those flashbacks to RULE ME.
i love that you didn’t try to change the yoga student’s belief about herself and just gave her a choice. self-enquiry really is an amazing thing
and what is true for me is that i won’t ever believe anything anyone says about me until i can speak it for (and to) myself and feel it in my bones to be true (not just wanting to believe that it’s true).
because in the end, that’s who we all are. we are our beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves (true from another’s perspective or not)
This is a beautiful post. Teachers put it out there, and people are either going to step up and do the work, or step away. At least you planted some good seeds.
Can’t stop thinking about your Yoga/Release workshop. And I wasn’t even there! You’re onto something, and I look forward to hearing more about your adventures with yoga/somatics/acupressure, etc.
All the Highest, Nadine.
Retrain brain.
The tricky one for me is knowing that certain stories aren’t true, but never ever being able to get rid of them completely. And so, looking in the mirror, what I see is not what other people see of me. It feels like a bit of a double life sometimes, and I have to learn to play a “bigger game” outside of the confines of the story, no matter what the mirror tells me.
I am so sorry about your man-friend, that he could not see himself from your perspective. I’ve had those experiences, too. Been on both sides of that experience even, I think…
But HOORAY for your student who was able to take that leap of faith. The beauty of yoga is that it can and does show us exactly how our limited stories about ourselves are so very untrue. Because if we just keep practicing, then eventually the limitations are shown to be false.
Which is a lesson for the rest of our lives, huh? Just keep practicing, just keep going. Maybe one day the mirror and I will see eye to eye, eh? xx