If you look underneath comparison, what you usually find is judgement. Or fear of judgement.
It’s a natural human thing. We categorise, we judge: this is safe, this is not. This is edible, this is not. He is dangerous, he is not.
It’s come in awfully handy, evolution-wise.
But here’s the thing. We’ve developed, as a society, a bunch of rules, mores, ‘shoulds’, that have no bearing on survival, and when we react to them as though they do, it causes us to suffer.
Take for example a really common one:
Ladies don’t swear.
I don’t know about you, ladies who are reading this, but I spent a whole bunch of years editing myself because I was trying to fit this particular social more. Thing is, sometimes, and in my case quite often, nothing helps expect swearing.
Why did I edit myself then?
I was worried I’d be judge to not be a lady (turns out I am not one, but I AM a woman. Much happier now).
Underneath that was a more primal fear that people would reject me.
Underneath THAT was a fear that I would then be totally unloveable, unacceptable, and may even not be able to find a job.
I know. I’m over it now.
Scoff all you like, I bet you have a few self-sabotage scripts like this running in your head. It’s only by asking what is underneath, peeling the onion, that you get to the root. Why you compare. Why a certain person triggers you the way they do.
People either like one another or they don’t. And…
It’s really none of your business whether someone likes you or not.
It doesn’t even have all that much to do with you. People have their own stuff going on. At least if you are your actual, real, authentic self, you give them the opportunity to decide based on accurate information.
Do you have scripts like the one I shared? Judgements based on fear?
I’d love to hear from you: how you found out what was going on, and how you deal with it!