I had an email from a reader called Chris the other day. He was wondering what the bounds of an appropriate teacher-student relationship might be. He’s also given me permission to publish our conversation:
I am new to yoga, but does one have to be spiritually inclined to be a yogi? I am an atheist, and in honesty have little time for spirituality, but is being spiritual a prerequisite to be a yoga student?Also, what defines a good teacher/student dynamic? Should a student ask his or her teacher about poses, necessary diets, etc? With respect to diets, does one have to be a vegetarian to be a yoga student? In honesty again, I don’t think could live without eat lol..Lastly, and in reference to the above paragraph to some extent, I think I have a crush on my yoga teacher. She is relatively young (perhaps 25, though at 33 I don’t deem myself as old) but I think it’s largely based on her manner and her looks. Whilst we often put on fronts in different situations, from what I see she has a very welcoming and friendly manner. What is the best means to handle this? I do not think she knows or has grasped as yet.
My answer? You seem like a smart and very self-aware man, to be asking these kinds of questions.
It’s common for people to develop a crush on their yoga teachers for exactly the reasons you list: most yoga teachers are attractive because they take care of themselves, and their professional manner is warm and caring. I am not saying that’s not who they really are, but we yoga teachers need to be warm and caring for our jobs the way customer service people need to be friendly and understanding.
As to the teacher/student dynamic, it really depends on WHY you are asking the questions. If it’s just to be close to your teacher, that’s probably the wrong reason. Transference happens a lot in yoga circles, as it does when people are working with counsellors or anyone else who provides a space for them to feel better.
Transference is basically when you project feelings onto a person because of your own experiences in the past. We all do it, all the time, but it becomes problematic in situations where one person is vulnerable, like getting therapy, going to yoga class and being (perhaps) touched by another human being when getting adjustments, getting a massage and being more or less naked in front of another person. These are not states in which we humans make the clearest of decisions.
WIth yoga, often, you feel good and you think it’s because of the yoga teacher. It’s not, it’s because you are doing something that makes you feel good.
As to the advice. Hmmm. You may have noticed from my blog that I disapprove of the more ‘culty’ aspects of yoga.
Here are my thoughts on the topic: eat what you want, make your own choices on that. I personally eat meat and follow a palaeolithic diet because it works for me. I got very sick from being a vegetarian. And categorically NO, you do not have to be spiritual to do yoga. If anyone tells you you do, be very wary of them.
Image via. Sweet story actually.
All relationships, and most particularly teacher-student ones, should be set up from a place of sovereignty:
Self-ownership (or sovereignty of the individual, individual sovereignty or individual autonomy) is the concept of property in one’s own person, expressed as themoral or natural right of a person to have bodily integrity, and be the exclusive controller of his own body and life. According to G. Cohen, the concept of self-ownership is that “each person enjoys, over himself and his powers, full and exclusive rights of control and use, and therefore owes no service or product to anyone else that he has not contracted to supply.”
(thanks Wikipedia)
If there are rules in your yoga class about having to chant, or eat certain foods, or avoid certain foods, those things are requiring non-sovereignty from you. Run away as fast as you can.
Ways in which teachers can foster sovereignty in their students:
- Keep bringing the focus back to the student’s experience: explain what they should be feeling in their muscles in the poses they are doing, and what dangerous sensation might feel like. If you don’t know this stuff, go learn it.
- If you are comfortable talking to it, teach students about the functional anatomy of their bodies. Their is nobody more empowered than someone who knows how their pelvis is meant to be behaving n triangle pose.
- If you do include chanting/philosophy/spiritual aspects in your classes, make sure you remind everyone that they don’t have to participate, it’s an individual choice.
- Refrain from telling people that they will only be real yogis once they are raw sattvic vegans. They were real yogis before they even got on the mat, given the word just means ‘in union’. Say it with me: if your body & breath weren’t in union right now, you’d be D-E-A-D. THerefore, you are a yogi all the time, without trying. Food rules are optional.
- Offer people enough alternatives to the challenging/circus monkey poses that they don’t feel like losers who can’t do most of the class. I recently went to class where I spent almost half the time in child pose, trying not to be to disruptive or roll my eyes too much. The teacher chose poses I can’t safely do because of my SI joints, and offered me NO ALTERNATIVES. Not sovereign teacher behaviour.
- Understand that those cute yoga students who are flirting with you are off-limits for dating. Sorry. No dating vulnerable people who like the idea of you but are unlikely to be able to see the real you. Understand they probably have a mild or not-so-mild case of transference going on, and you probably have a case of counter-transference.
Ways in which students can claim their sovereignty in yoga class:
- Ask questions
- Speak up if you are uncomfortable about how a teacher is adjusting you
- Ask if you don’t understand an instruction – that’s a problem with the teacher, not a problem with you
- Tell teachers about your injuries, should you have any and ask that they help you modify for them. If a teacher can’t do this, you need to find another one.
- If you feel to, express your discomfort with chanting, and say you won’t be doing it. A good teacher will tell you you don’t have to before you ask anyway
- Be honest with yourself. Should you start feeling attached to your yoga teacher, for heaven’s sake, don’t start creepily hanging around after class to walk out with her EVERY TIME. Definitely don’t google her then start sending her inappropriate emails. Understand that you are probably suffering from transference, and that the feelings you feel are not really personal to the teacher. Refrain from violating her or his sovereignty by trying to date them – yoga teachers are human too, and we don’t get adequate training on how to handle these situations, so sometimes all sorts of unfortunate consequences can ensue.
Moving from Stability: Understanding the Pelvis in Posture (Online workshop)
Light Up Your Life
Really great post. I’ve seen at a few times at one studio I used to teach at. I felt like I was judging the couple because of my own principles. Sometimes you can’t fight love but the relationship between a yoga instructor and student can be such a vunerable position that it’s important to have a clear distinction. I think you said it very well. Thank you for writing about this topic.
Hey Nadine, fantastic article! It’s so true about the ‘spiritual’ aspects, yoga should be accessible to everyone regardless of religion etc and be presented in a practical way for people to understand and not getting caught up in the spiritual materialism of what can seem to be the ‘mysterious’ aspects of yoga.
I have just started teaching yoga and am rather conscious of being able to give alternatives to poses so everyone in the class can participate. I have read our previous articles for SI joint dysfunction etc and that asymmetric asanas may be difficult. If I have some time of the class dedicated to a flow: Warrior, Parsvakonasana etc what options can I give someone with SI pain as this is an asymmetric sequence? Thanks
Hi Roni
Loads of people have asked this question. It’s a good one. I am working on a piece now about how shortening the stance for, say, warrior 1, can make it more accessible for people with SIJ issues. Thanks for reading!
Great article, Nadine. I’m not a yoga teacher, but I think quite a lot of what you’ve written here can apply also to teaching hoop.
Definitely. Teaching is teaching
This is SUCH a wonderful and important post, Nadine! I’ll be linking to it soon for sure. xx
Gracias!
Found this article so very helpful, thanks Nadine. Especially loved the bit about fostering sovereignty.
Thanks Ros! Glad you found it useful. I really do feel it’s a gap in our education as yoga teachers, this thing.